Last year's election yielded an executive board of four seniors, all from different sections. According to our analytics department, that means that this year every race is open. No lazy incumbents to hinder these ambitious candidates. Let's take a look at the current field:
President
David Kaiser-Jones (Low Brass, '14, two-term Travel Manager, unopposed)
Vice President
Naomi Fitter (Drumline, Grad Student)
Andres Gonzalez (Low Brass, '15)
Treasurer
Joe Becker (Low Brass, '14, Section Leader, Band Camp Alum)
Ken Beierlein (Sax, '14, Drum Major)
Kate Kutschera (Chop, '14, Section Leader, former Travel Manager)
Secretary
Marietta Catsambas (Clarinet, '15, Section Leader)
Josh Cooper (Drumline, '14, two-term Equipment Manager)
More election coverage after the egg fried rice from Beijing arrives.
Penn Band Election 2012: The Race to Office Keys and a Year of a Thousand E-mails. Please stay with us for more official coverage.
5:54
The Penn Band public starts to stumble in. The Chops have isolated themselves to their corner. The current chop voting body giggles at the ballots created by out-going President, the outgoing Jodi Lapidus: a mock Jeopardy board complete with classic Celebrity Jeopardy categories "States That Begin With Californ", "Catch These Men", "Colors That End in Urple", "Things You Shouldn't Put In Your Mouth", and "Potent Potables".
And now, an interview with an anonymous undecided voter:
Pasternack: Why are you still undecided?
Anonymous: Everybody else knows who they're going to vote for. I don't need to know who the candidates are. I'm not a bumper sticker salesman.
Pasternack: You didn't read the e-mails that listed the candidates, did you?
Anonymous: No. No I did not.
Pasternack: Well thank you, Jon Urban, for your anonymous opinion.
Anonymous: You're welcome.
Anonymous Source: Jon Urban has not read a single band e-mail in his 4 years as a member of the voting body.
Presidential candidate Kaiser-Jones has yelled, "You look like a Nazi youth!" to the Fanfare Society Vice Chair. Our sources tell us that the Vice Chair has in fact had a hair cut recently.
Lame Duck President Lapidus explains the rules of the election. Highlights of her speech include, "Don't screw it up" and "We're starting in 5 minutes."
President Lapidus asks for an assistant for her interactive Jeopardy game. Fanfare Vice Chair Tolan has volunteered to be her "Vannah White". He is corrected by about 39% of the band. Our analytics team is telling us that this is the lowest Jeopardy/Wheel of Fortune aptitude level within the voting body in the past 17 years.
The first chants of "Magic", "Pageant", and "Backflips" from Low Brass Sophomores, Frosh Jonathan, and Jen/Katie as Greer approaches the room.
Kaiser-Jones takes the floor to speak.
He thinks Jodi and this last board did an amazing job. End of CD production, Bahamas, and Project Percussion's end.
Appreciative of the job Jodi has done, and her ability to improve communication between Board and Council.
He answers his own question "Will he drop down?" with "flute section leader". Ends with famed quote from Dan Wood, " ".
David Kaiser-Jones is the new President.
Naomi speaks softly, carries a big piece of paper. Quotes Hangover, explains she is a grad student from Cincinnati. Quotes Hangover Wolfpack line again. Continues Wolfpack analogy. Explains the band was not looking for strippers or cocaine. Andres disagrees.
Explains that she has helped the Cincinnati band in all aspects. She says she has the ability to create parodies, applied for comedy writing class at Penn.
Andres asks what a Vice President is. Explains that he has been to nearly every showwriting for the past two years. Explains he has contributed to field shows, cites Yale show. Writes for the Punch Bowl. He loves the band, explains band is welcoming and he feels in the right place. Creating a funny voice is his role in this band, and he thinks he is the best candidate for it.
VP Q&A
Tolan: Goals for Vice President in Spring?
Andres: Already started writing shows for fall.
Naomi: Experience with recruitment and fundraising and wants to help in that realm.
Rob: Greatest downfall of our past Board?
Greer: Klitzman.
Naomi: I think they have done a really great job. Noticed at Council meeting that we don't have a recruitment chair and would help to fulfill that kind of role.
Andres: Inclusion. Showwriting, nothing against Sam, but the creative process is occasionally stifling. Wants to bring back the projector and be a bit more inclusive and transparent in Board process.
Serge: Favorite form of comedy?
Andres: over the top, outrageous, and jokes that require some thought--thinkers--jokes that the Penn Band itself won't get
Naomi: I made a joke during the Four Quadrants speech earlier in the year. She raps. TOO MANY WORDS TOO RAPIDLY.
VP Sam: Who have been new assets to showwriting.
Naomi: Unfortunately, I've never been to showwriting, but I know Sam and Scott and Andres
Andres: It's me, why would I lie?
VP Sam: New people!
Andres: Slayback, I guess?
Cooper: How do you keep the shows kosher [sic]?
Andres: As much Greer's and Koosh's band as it is our band.
Adam: Hey! I'm right here!
Andres: It's okay to get a little rowdy during, but it's not acceptable to be over the top.
Naomi: I think I'm good at channeling rowdiness into sneakiness and distilling it into things that the directors won't notice.
Zack: Favorite show since you've joined?
Naomi: I liked our date with Kristen Stewart, it's when she started seeing what we do.
Andres: Liked the Cornell show. Liked Engineering Library joke. Wasn't too direct of a reference.
Habeeb: Please give me a pun. Right now. I need a pun.
Greer: No. Forget that.
Travis: How long will you be with the band?
Naomi: 5 years.
Andres: I'm a soph. 2 more years.
Closing Statements
Andres: This question was bound to come up. [Pulls out his birth certificate and documentation.] I brought my social security card too.
Naomi: I have many special ethnic talents. (She does a percussive hand thing.)
Adam says "Don't write "The Cute One"" because I'm not running. This is the 7th consecutive year he has used that joke, according to Analytics.
With more coverage, we turn to Senior Chop Correspondent Will Chim...
Thanks Sam.
In the interim, as votes are counted, outgoing lame-duck President Jodi Lapidus is leading an extraordinary game of Jeopardy. The themes are as follows:
2000s Television
Missouri Loves Company
Call Me May "B"
7-Across
Katy Perry
Chop and DM extraordinaire Rob Ritchie selects "Things I Joshua" for 500. Call Me Maybe is a terrible song, who knew?
Yeah, so, people are picking a bunch of questions and and people are answering them. Just like Jeopardy, this is going at a lightning pace with tons of excitement. The crowd is going insane, or something like that.
A question about Katy Perry! Intense.
A question about Hill house! Why.
Chim: We're doing Secret Snowflake! Hidden Hannukah! Gifts are less than 10 dollars. Rob got some black market SNL DVDs for me! Plus kandy.
Sam: The next VP of the Penn Band is Andres Gonzalez!
Andres yells something.
Nominations from the floor? Nope.
Jake: I take your money.
Greer calls Sam (me) an irregular board member. By that he means I'm the most special best person ever, according to our analytics team.
Treasurer speeches...
Joe Becker takes the floor. Explains treasurer needs organization and he can provide that. He's wearing a beautiful suit. Explains you might not need a background in finance to be treasurer, cites previous treasurers and their academic experience. Explains that treasurer must work well with other members of the board. Cites Low Brassmen connection with Andres and Mr. KJ. Looks forward to working with Adam. Greer explains that Adam does not exist. He is merely a figment of our imagination. He worked with Koosh at band camp. He has spoken to Greer, for what reasons we do not know. He has a phone which can receive email at any time. Greer is checking his email as Joe talks. He looks disinterested or as if he is timing something...
Ken Beierlein takes the floor. He also has a smart phone. Brings the spreadsheets he spends his free time on. He calls them "fun". Has a passion for the background of a treasurer. Will be able to put in the time because he likes doing this. Built a PNL for a giant business last summer. He said polyeurethane and it confused me. He has ideas...wants to look at creative ways of financing. Wants to make money by spending money. Ken is also wearing a beautiful suit.
Kate Kutschera takes the floor. She looks nice too, and has a pen behind her ear so we can assume she has the ability to write. Stood in chop corner her first rehearsal, still there. Stranded with Rob, tackled by Greer, on wall of PNC...but still loves it and is still here. Explains band became her second family, band makes her happy. Does not have a smart phone. As a bank teller, learned to handle people's money. Does Kesem fundraising. Reasons she'd be a competent treasurer. She'd be a good treasurer because of her band experience and leadership, if she can take care of the chops, there is nothing she cannot due.
Q&A
Chris: Ideas of what they want to do right away?
Joe: Making sure dues are in. Wants to hunt them down like the strong Soviet hunter he is.
Kate: Agrees this is an issue. Guilting is effective.
Ken: Wants to seek out different sources of fundraising.
Jen's phone beeps. I heard it, Jen.
Jodi: All three of you are on council. What are the best and most improvable things you could have done?
Ken: I think I'm good at conducting? Leaves that up to us. Communicates with other DMs but wants to communicate more with Section Leaders and Board.
Joe: For the Low Brass I created a spreadsheet to keep attendance together. He hasn't been as diligent with it as he was.
Kate: Biggest accomplishment is 7 new chops. Proud that she organized Chop Music Box of Disaster. Wants to improve band unity by reaching out to other sections. Wish she did more of that.
Spector: You'll need to make appeals for money. Pretend we're the SAC Board, convince us we need money for something.
Kate: Let's say we need money to repair instruments. Cites Band importance to the University. We can't play if we don't have instruments, so we can continue to exist and be a part of the University.
Joe: Wants to get new tubas. There's this one tuba we have that looks like it is from the 19th Century. Held together with duct tape and Greer's tears (my words not Joe's). It's ridiculous. We need money to buy one new tuba so this one poor soul can play something nice. Greer defends his personal tuba. Adam and Greer argue over tubas.
Ken: One of the biggest reasons to support us is we are most visible group on campus - from Locust Walk, road trips games - this is what everyone sees, parents, alumni, students alike.
Rob Ritchie: Biggest downfall of the Board?
Joe: Need more transparency.
Ken: Need more communication with Drum Majors.
Kate: Has been on Council for two years, Council meetings seem to be solely for Section Leaders. As Travel Manager role at Council meetings was unclear.
Habeeb: How far will you go to get money? What is your plan to approach someone and be invasive?
Ken: Approaching people individually and face-to-face is important. Would refrain from aggressiveness.
Ponto: Do you have the tax records to prove this?
Ken: I have not released my tax returns
Back to Habeeb's question...
Joe: E-mail can work, then go to face-to-face. Does this in Band House with rent.
Kate: Individual communication is key. Not just Secretary should know everyone in band, all Board should.
Kristi: Will you drop down?
All: No.
Tolan: What's the biggest financial problem in the band?
Kate: We keep breaking instruments.
Joe: Agrees with Kate and the assertion that we should keep people aware of the band's need to keep instruments safe.
Ken: Putting together external reports, staying transparent, instruments repair.
Closing Statements
Kate: Won't be able to change your opinions right now. She will continue to lead in the band no matter what.
Ken: Thanks for listening and I'm passionate about the position and have ideas I want to implement, and I have the background necessary to do this.
Joe: The Penn Band is what I care the most organization I care most about.
Voting on "Catch These Men"
Sam: Raise your hand if you want a Penn Band CD!
No one raises hand. Chaos ensues.
Vox Bando: The Penn Band has a CD?
Update: Meal swipes are not an acceptable form of payment.
Cash flies in the air. CDs are purchased.
MAGIC!
Greer whips out a magic bag with a blue handkerchief and a white handkerchief. This is dumb. But what if Greer could put polka dots on the handkerchiefs? Greer produces white handerchief with white spots and blue on blue. The author gives up. Actual magic! He's a witch.
Greer continues, whipping out ropes that look like tapeworms.
Jake sneaks up to announce the
New Penn Band Treasurer is Kate Kutschera.
The Secretary race begins. No nominations come from the floor.
But what does a Secretariat do?
Will has never won the Triple Crown. Stresses the importance of Board as a unit.
Josh takes the floor. Explains that he has been to EVERYTHING. Also the Equipment Manager, feels that he does a lot, organization closet and uniforms. He tries to know everyone here, understands that he is creepy, but sees us as his real family, which is why he was here for Thanksgiving. Good mentor/mentee relationship with former Secretary Jaci Rifkin. He wants to be our sibling because he loves us. Wants to make sure everyone is comfortable and that everyone feels that they belong. Explains that at showwriting spelling BOOB and the full narrative was his idea.
Marietta takes the floor. Has Council experience and explains that section leader and secretary have similar roles. Being section leader has instilled in her a sense of responsibility. The most important thing about being section leader is welcoming new people and making them feel like a part of their section. Wants to do that for the band as a whole. Wants everyone to be happy to be here, has done that with her section and wants it to continue. Felt accepted by the band, wants everyone to feel that way and will do her best to do so.
Rob: Talk about the downfall of the Board some more.
Marietta: Transparency is important, everyone should have a voice and feel included.
Josh: Board did a great job, juggling too many projects was one issue. Cohesiveness of Council will help.
Spector: How do you fit in with the rest of the Board?
Josh: Friends with them, has a strong voice and won't back down.
Marietta: Important to have all sections represented, no 'Nets on Board since '07. (Analytics team will confirm this.)
Tolan: How can you make sure you're going to be at all events?
Marietta: Band is my #1 priority, changed schedule so she can go to everything and will go to everything.
Josh: Missed 1 game because of cousin's wedding, then yelled at her. (Contacting cousin to fact-check.) Will be at everything, make as much time for us as he can.
Jodi: Explain a time you had to make a hard decision in band and how you made that decision.
Josh: As Equipment Manager, not many tough decisions. Made the decision to keep coming to band, didn't know if he fit in but stuck it out...and he does fit in! (My opinion, not his.)
Marietta: Making her section feel unified and a part of the band was important, cares about how her decision making affects everyone's best interest.
Sec. Chim: Biggest band-wide issues you would like to fix?
Marietta: Band is creating new identity and wants to continue to push that forward. Wants everyone to feel like they have a voice.
Josh: Wants to make Band the safe space for everyone. You will always be loved.
Lauren: Do you have the theme idea for emails?
Josh: Pet of the week is a possible theme.
Marietta: Things Lauren likes.
Sec. Chim: What do you see as the line in group behavior? Something Board has to deal with.
Marietta: Everyone needs to feel safe in band. Line needs to be clear how far people can go in rowdiness.
Josh: Wants to lay off personal attacks.
Serge: How many events has Adam been to?
Josh: I guess 4.
Marietta: I guess 5.
Adam: [Names 6 things.] BAM BITCHES!
When Adam says "Bam Bitches!" Voting body applauds raucously. This is the most beautiful moment of the election.
Closing Statements
Marietta: Loves the band. Wants everyone to feel safe here.
Josh: Works well with the other three members. His voice isn't always heard. He wants to see the band grow and be successful.
Voting on States That Begin With Californ.
Adam, holding Voting Hat, assumes role of man on seagull-infested beach holding funnel cake in air. He is swarmed.
Last Announcements ever from President Lapidus. Lots of women's basketball coming up. Band contains its excitement.
Shannon Dailey--I wrangled a possum last night.
Your new Penn Band Secretary is Mr. Joshua Cooper.
Horse's Ass Award.
Vox Bando: SCOTT.
Nominated:
- The Scott who showed his true colors to Jodi
- The Scott who pissed out the window at Dartmouth
- The Scott who went to Dartmouth
- The Jon who bought a dangerous liquid
- Nicolas Cage for being Nicolas Cage
- The Birch Sap
The elections make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. We're done.
--
Sam here for a recap of what transpired tonight. We laughed, we cried, we bought some CDs. Adam moved us with his memories of the six events he attended this semester.
Our thanks to our field reporters who covered the event with such journalistic integrity. We shall end with some facts about the new President Elect David Kaiser-Jones and his place in Penn Band history:
- David Kaiser-Jones is the first former travel manager to run unopposed for the executive board since Zach Klitzman.
- David Kaiser-Jones is the first of the Low Brassmen to run unopposed since Zachary Klitzman.
- David Kaiser-Jones is the first person from Maryland to run unopposed since Zachariah Klitzman.
- David Kaiser-Jones is the first person whose last name starts with K to run unopposed since Zacharemus Klitzman.
In what other ways will President Elect Kaiser-Jones resemble Zach Klitzman?
Check back with us next year to find out...
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